My friend Martin ( pictured here in Edinburgh) has sent me some more of his hand on heart worldly observations and suggestions from his self exile hideout in the Spanish city of Vigo. Here are some edited highlights.

Now that there are more and more words in the world to describe electrical/electronic devices it is anticipated that the alphabet will need to be extended by one more letter at least to suit the demand. I suggest double-v, a letter made from two adjacent u’s touching. Treble-u is also a contender consisting of three adjacent v’s touching.

I love my life. At work I press keys on a keyboard all day and when I come home I stare at my smartphone all evening. Although I have to admit that sleeping is just one long bore.

I recently downloaded the walkapp onto my smart phone to control coloured LEDs on the end of my shoes. Now I always know the order in which to move each foot when I occasionally get off my lazy arse and go for a walk. I think I might get a pair of those google spectacles then I won’t have to divert my attention from the smart screen in order to see my guiding shoe lightshow.

Went to Primark the other day to buy some of those modern sporty invisible socks. I couldn´t find the darn things for the life of me.

I was shocked to discover that a pork pie hat from Christy´s of London retails at almost £60. On the other hand a large pork pie from Asda is only about £6 and inedible. Coated with blackboard paint and pressed firmly to the crown it makes an ideal alternative for any brit pop festivals that you might be attending this summer. Also it wont matter so much when some cunt steals it. Keep your eyes skinned for some old balding bloke with some aged Leica cameras, he’s only there to get a laugh at your expense.

The Czech Republic. Increase your countries profile and possibility of trade by making your country name easier to spell. I would suggest Check Republic, women are far more likely to write it on a form. How about adopting the finishing flag of formula 1 as your national colours thus obtaining free patriotic publicity whenever there is a race meeting. Your national song could begin with a choral rendition of nee…..arm, nee……arm, nee…..arm in order to farther capitalise on the global television coverage on race days.

I would’nt say that the Union Jack was a great design for a flag but when you look at the rest of the offerings from around the world it’s hardly suprising we were the ones with the empire.

Explorers. Now that you have conquered Everest, the polar ice caps the oceanic abyss and outer space have you thought about trying to penetrate the unfathomable space of Spanish people’s homes. Don’t forget to include the uniform of a cleaner amongst your kit and tackle. (it´s an honour to be invited to Spanish peoples homes, yes your grace). It’s an honour to have people I love eating in my home.

Practise makes perfect. What about Cliff Richard, Tim Henman and Bruce Forsythe then?

Too many cooks spoil the broth and yet many hands make light work. Clearly proverb writers are just a bunch of hipocrites.

Easy come, easy go. Absolutely, in this world of cheap thrills and diminishing loyalty this proverb is particularly profound.

They say that you shouldn´t give children a damn good twack, well how else are we supposed to get a new born infant breathing, taser it ? Get real. Decision time, if you leave the fucker breathless it wont start to whine.

Dear Frankie Boyle, I get off on your humour but I thought you had gone off the air. However it made complete sense when a friend informed me that the twat with a rare (almost extinct) red squirrel gripping his chin was actually you. I hope that your species will continue to flourish.